Meltdown and Provision

To be on vacation and not be able to sleep was troubling. Aren’t vacations are supposed to be times of rest and recharge, I thought. We were settled in a beautiful cottage on a beautiful lake in northern Michigan. The weather was perfect. Our family was together. The setting was bent toward a week of fresh air, relaxation and recreation. Sleepless on vacation, in this environment, was not like me. I was struggling and it was something between God and me.

That summer had been a difficult summer for my wife. She had heard this too statement too many times, “Thanks for interviewing with us, but we’ll be pursuing candidates with more experience.” Five interviews, five rejections and some of these were from people who had given her tremendous hope and affirmation. For eight years, my wife had prepared to be a teacher. When all our kids entered school, my wife felt led to pursue this dream. It was a passion that grew deep in her soul. It was as if God had planted it there. Four years of college classes and four years of working as a substitute teacher led her to this fateful summer of interviews. She had been given wonderful reviews and hopeful feedback. One hiring principle in the school she subbed even helped her fine tune her resume. She was affirmed by her colleagues and filled with hope. But, one interview after another ended with, “We really like you but... there are so many experienced teachers in the hiring pool these days. Sorry.” She was left to believe that her dream was not going to happen. If the schools who knew and loved her can’t hire her, then who would. It appeared, she had become a victim of the Michigan economy.

She grieved deeply, but was able to emotionally moved forward. I, on the other hand, had some things to say to God. I was mad. I wasn’t upset at the schools or principles, I was angry with God. “God, why would do lead my wife down this road just to crush her? Why would you plant a dream in her just to have it shattered? What’s the point of this?” My lament over this situation haunted me during that summer vacation. I hurt for her. Why wasn’t God acting on her behalf? At the end of that week, she got a call for, yet one more interview. This came from a inner-city charter school of which she had never stepped foot in. On a whim, many months previously she had sent a resume to the school administration, never seriously believing she would hear from them. She was an unknown and there was no logical reason for them call. She agonized about whether to even drive three hours from our vacation cottage to interview with a school, thinking another rejection would follow. A week later, she was offered a job, a job that she’s loved now for the last two years.

I marvel at God’s patience and grace with me. God wanted to provide and when he did, he did with joy and creativity, even in the midst of my confused and frustrated lament. Perhaps, when the next opportunity like this arises, I’ll respond with greater trust.